Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Top 5: Guy Friends To Avoid

1. The "un-friend zone me" guy
This guy still wishes you were more than just friends and clings to hope that the demise of your relationship is near. He secretly prays that any date you go on ends in failure or that you catch your man cheating so that he can be the one to console you, wipe your tears away and ultimately win you over. He wants to be Mr. Kennedy.

2. The guy who is nearing forty and still trying to rap
It was cool in high school to be associated with the rapping crew. They weren't getting paid for gigs, but they were living the dream and as a part of the entourage you enjoyed occasional perks too. But not anymore. Now I don't want to tell you to give up on your dreams because you never should, but perhaps you should consider redirecting them.. You know, maybe ghost write for someone else, or rap on demos or at kid birthday parties, but definitely begin to consider a full-time career because the whole fake chain and platinum coated rims aren't fooling anyone nor are they paying bills.

3. The "no homo" dude
If this dude bumps into any one of the same gender he immediately defends his sexuality by shouting "no homo" (and sometimes he feels the need to say it multiple times). Dude, no one thought you were "homo" till you started babbling about how not gay you are. And besides, if slapping another dude on the butt during a friendly games of basketball, baseball or football is okay, why is bumping into one off the field/court such a problem? I really just don't get it.

4. The overly conscious guy
Ne: Totally having a bad hair day and feeling fat.
Him: Ma, black is beautiful. Your hair could never look bad. And that body, those curves..
Ne: Lies and lies.

Back up! If I feel like my hair is messy today and I feel like I'm looking bigger than I want to, let me live. I don't hate myself for it and I'm not looking for a pick-me-up.. I'm just whining.

5. The "I'm in love again" guy
He's working on date number three and has already picked out the engagement ring. Dude, chill. You don't even know her middle name yet. And why are you always in love?! Mommy issues, much? Ah! This guy is annoying because I'm forced to befriend or at least play nice with his girlfriend who, by the way, is temporary because even if she's cool and I like her, she's going to be replaced in a matter of days when she realizes he's clingy.. And because he has mommy issues, he's going to rebound which brings us back to square one: me befriending another new girl that he's in love with.

What are the top 5 type of guy friends you avoid?

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Top 5: Girl friends to avoid

1. The "yes" ma'am
The person who always sides with you even when you both know you're wrong. The person that basically does everything in their power to stay in your good graces. You, my friend, are annoying. You make it impossible to be trusted because I never know if you're telling me what you genuinely think or what you think I want to hear. You make me uncomfortable. Like why is the answer always "yes" with you? And why do you believe me when I say I'm perfect? Dude, I'm lying!

2. The stage-five clinger
No matter what you do or where go, they're down to tag alone with or without an invite. This gets complicated because depending on how much I like you, I probably don't mind a slumber party here and there and I might actually want to hang out with you twice in one week, but if you wanna spend lunch breaks together, meet up for dinner after work then call me and chat til we fall asleep, I think you're looking for more of a commitment than I'm willing to give and you're creeping me out.

3. The delusional "everybody's jealous of me" girl
She says crazy things like "that random Gothic teenager wishes she was me... Did you see the way she was looking at my shoes?" or "Her boyfriend said I was cool, he totally wants me. She better watch her back!" (yes, I've actually heard that last one before). Where do you come up with these things and why is everything such a competition? Relax. Not everyone wants you or your life!

4. The boy crazed
Top priority for this girl is collecting digits and handing hers out. Nothing is more annoying than going to church for praise and worship, a wedding to celebrate love, a movie because you officially think you're from Compton, or the mall because you need new a dress and your friend is slowing you down worrying about some man that comes with a boatload of baggage. I mean, what grade are you in? *insert eye roll*

5. The gossip queen
If she's gossiping about everyone to you, she's definitely absolutely without a doubt gossiping about you to everyone else. Don't give her any ammo to use against you because it's only a matter of time before she turns on you too. This girl is not to be trusted, not even if you think she's different with you! She's not. I learned that from personal experience. Luckily, I'm an open-book and quite shameless.

What are the top 5 type of girl friends you avoid?